We Thank President Ruto for Intervening to Bring Small Small Rains Instead of El Niño

Just when Kenyans born-2000 were getting orgasm to experience El Niño rains from October to December this year, our Kaunda Suits President William Ruto intervened, and instead of El Niño, we’ll experience some small small rains here and there.

Getting El Niño would’ve been unpleasant for us who’re never prepared for anything, not even the hyped Afcon 2023 games . At a time when blaming Handshake for destroying our economy was getting monotonous, the Russia-Ukraine war happened and the prices of basic items like matchboxes skyrocketed. For those not in the know, the critical elements for making a matchbox like wood, is imported from Ukraine.

And when the Russia-Ukraine war was scaling down, Hamas-Israel war is here, and the mkokoteni government has already prophesied the worst to happen. We’ll not go for maandamano should the government decide to introduce War & Terrorism Attack Preparedness Tax to cushion against such events. In addition, part of this tax would be used to stand with the Godly people of Israel who’re under the perpetual attack from enemies of peace for forcefully occupying land which isn’t historically theirs. 

Bad News with El Niño

El Niño would’ve been bad news for the already overburdened tax payers at a tine when the civil servants will have their gross salary sliced by 2.75% to fund Rutocare. This is not to mention the ever-rising prices of petrol. The manner at which fuel prices keep rising, one would think it wants to rival the price of a bag of cement.

Despite our God-chosen President announcing the postponement of the El Niño, he didn’t say a word about the 10 billion shillings, set aside by his government to deal with the unforeseeable repercussions of the same. His silence was loud, just like it is with the land question the Hilton Hotel sits. Ruto is silent when those who build mansions on grabbed public lands are seeing what Areda saw at Number Okana in 1900.

Intervening so that the prizes of maize flour, and a luxury like cooking oil  can go down is where Ruto draws the line. Methinks there’s a close relationship between water, and the President’s family. A miracle is when Rachel Ruto, the First Lady, can pray for rains, and also pray so that a dirty borehole to turn clean for drinking, and have the audacity to pretend she doesn’t know the price of condom is now more expensive than the tithes we give pastor James Nganga for preaching garbage.

Our Pan-Africanist president with special phone number to the God of Isaac, Benard, Ahmed and Nego, should’ve intervened to have the gangs of Haiti allow democracy thrive. Really, there’s no need to have our poorly paid police stressed over learning French only to be butchered in a country we only know for her violence. I’m saying it isn’t our call, especially when Kenyans living in Baringo are terrorized by bandits, and Luos living in Sondu think they are less citizens just because they boarder Kericho County, to carry out peace mission in a country that has defeated the eyes of the U.S. of A.

State House Intercessors

State House intercessors, with the First Lady as their ringleader, should refocus their priorities and pray so that Kenyans can have some extra money to pay for the impending increased school from 2024. The prayers should also include comrades who joined institutions of higher learning this year, who shall only see pocket money in their dreams. The comrades, as a preliminary advice, should be prepared to repay huge tuition fees, and debts thereafter, once they graduate, apart from being assured there’s no job in the country.

Whereas we welcome Ruto’s timely intervention to keep us from the wrath of El Niño, we also ask him to ask the heavenly bodies to help him, with the help of State House intercessors, cut his appetite for domestic, and foreign travels.

Our president hardly stays in the State House. He moves around the country like it’s his bedroom. And when he’s bored sleeping in State Lodges across the country, he takes long-week foreign visits. He has become our foreign export numero uno.

News has become boring, thanks to him, and his fellow stakeholders. Their voices on our TV sets are bad news. If they’re not lying, they’re inventing another lie, or pouring blames, explaining why the economy is bending over to be whipped by the U.S. Dollar.

Lastly, we ask His Excellency to intervene in the Jada Smith blameful outburst on Will Smith to redeem anything left of masculinity, and marriage. Jada’s childish tantrums is making men with heavy tongues to seduce women for marriage have a field day disparaging the biblically blessed institution of marriage – which by fact, is the foundation of human continuity!

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