President Ruto, Please Tax Us More

Our Godsent President William Ruto should work hard to set a new record for the love of tax, breaking the title historically held by the Biblical Zacchaeus the Tax Collector.

At the rate at which Kenyans are taxed, one would think those practicing witchcraft see those they want to harm through MacBooks, our aunties boiling githeri using electricity, while those bitten by poisonous snakes at Pap Othany’ in rural Seme get airlifted for specialized treatment in South Africa.

List of Proposed Taxes

And because Ruto has a special relationship with God, he should ask our hardworking, lowly-paid parliamentarians to come with After Life Tax. These funds, apart from being used to pay State House intercessory prayer warriors, will also be used to bribe the bookkeepers of our sins in Heaven to reduce our burning in hell eternally to three years.

And because our Ph.D. University of Nairobi graduate president convinced us that rains come from heaven, and gave a spirited speech at the Africa Climate Summit & Africa Climate Week 2023 calling for fairness in pollution. There should be a Carbon Tax – this tax will also be used to organize prayers for the rain and to arrest carbon monoxide in the air for oxidation. A big plant headed by a Kalenjin will be set in Turkana’s abandoned oil lands for the purification process before being sold to countries polluting the global environment with coups, and never-ending wars, at a fairly reasonable price. If the Ann Waiguru NYS-era bought bags for oxygen at millions, surely, we can export oxidized Carbon (IV) oxide for billions.

As I’m typing this using a laptop given to schools by the Uhuru Kenyatta’s administration, while connected to a free public WiFi given by Ruto connected Mon Chendo Market, which was inaugurated by Health CS Susan Nakhumicha, I’ve just read NACADA saying western Kenya leads in alcohol abuse, overtaking Central Kenya, and also that smoking bang has increased to 90% among Kenyans.

Politically and spiritually, this is a very bad statistic for Kenya Kwanza. Kenyans should be God-fearing because the presidency — the president and the deputy president — are saved people and regular church goes, and so are their spouses; the devil shouldn’t come closer. For the increased marijuana smoking, the government should blame Azimio which used reggae music in their campaigns last year, and the inclusion of Prof George Wackajoyah who weaponed this international herb to greater proportions among the youths. However, the government spokesman Hussein Mohamed should remind them that they were defeated because they didn’t worship one true God.

Needless to say, Ruto can form a commission of inquiry and if it’s established the addicts are Azimio supporters, they can be left struggling with drugs since they’re not shareholders in this God-chosen government.

For starters, when they (NACADA and other State agencies) say western Kenya, they always mean the Luyhia Nation. Because the cat is out of the bag, the pact Ruto signed with whomever, that he’ll hand the presidency to a Luhyia in 2032 (our votes don’t count) there should be deliberate open conversation about the drug menace in Luyhia land. For this, Nabii should propose a Drug Abuse & Addiction Fund, into which, civil servants who are part of the dynasty, should pay 2.5% of their gross pay. The money will be used for rehabilitation, and associating any drug with Raila Odinga to scare away voters in Kikuyu land from supporting the son of Jaramogi.

The Already Burdensome Taxes

As if the donkey is not yet tired, you already know there’s going to be an Unemployment Tax – they’ve sweetened its name to the Unemployment Insurance Fund Bill, 2022, paid by working Kenyans so that unemployed Kenyans can also get paid. This will be a true pier malo economic model, championed by Kenya Kwanza. And happy are the unemployed for they’ll eat where they planted no seed at all.

And for those who can’t pay rent, build some one-bedroom house? why worry when the employed are already contributing 1.5% of their salary towards ensuring you have a roof over your big head? If Kenya Kwanza can build you a house, they should extend this favor to those with heavy tongues who can’t sweet talk a woman into a wife — isn’t the foundation of any nation a strong family?

And those thinking of moving out of the country to evade these taxes, well, Bro Bill got your back: there’s going to be Kenya Migrant Workers Welfare Funds. This must be paid by all Kenyans outside Kenya. For its use, just when you break the host’s country laws, like looking at their women with salivating eyes, for those in the Gulf, the mkokoteni government will either negotiate your jail terms in those countries or better, deport you using the profit-making KQ to your rural Kenya and attach you to some mama mboga kiok for rehabilitation.

Ruto should tell Kenyans, repeatedly, that it’s better to die [because] of debts than die [because] of poverty. Kenya under Kenya Kwanza has eradicated poverty, so, if our deaths shall come, we know it’s not because we are poor.

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