OPINIONSPolitics

Dissatisfied with Ruto’s cabinet secretaries? re-arrange your kitchen cabinet

Heaven finally answered State House prayers and gave President William Ruto names to include in his Cabinet.

This came after the Association of One-minute Men was getting jealous of the Head of State for taking too long to release… It appears Ruto decided not to withhold anymore. He at long last named the mama mbogas, msee wa nduthi, etc., who’ll pull the wheelbarrow government.

Some Kenyans have expressed disappointments, with their hopes in the nominees diminishing like the value of a thousand shilling tithe in CITAM church.

Riggy G Roles

Rigathi Gachagua roles have been spelt out because his boss thinks he has a complicated relationship with reading the constitution to understand the duties of a deputy president.

Ruto must’ve done this to avoid repeating history. The last time he was a deputy president, Ruto didn’t have limits to what he could or couldn’t and was branded tanga tanga by his President Uhuru Kenyatta.

The only item missing in Gachagua’s list of responsibilities walking with sellotapes to avoid verbal diarrhoea; for his words scare him more than his exposed teeth can bite.

Mudavadi

The Prime Cabinet Secretary went to Musalia Mudavadi – even for delivering votes less than his experience since he joined Moi to error the economy with Goldenberg Scandal.

Methinks Ruto placed Mudavadi as Gachagua’s checkmate. Their roles are as close as Francis Atwoli is with failed prophecies.

Mudavadi mustn’t be too drunk to imagine he’s a Prime Minister. He should avoid fights with Gachagua over important issues like whose red carpet should be bigger, who should be received by chiefs in government functions, and who should welcome the president to speak at National [eating] Holidays to say nothing important.

Ruto didn’t explicitly bar Mudavadi from talking about matters of economics. Mudavadi masquerades as a world-class Harvard economist while in practice; he’s a motivational speaker on Chinese debts and loan management.

National Treasury

For those familiar with government operations, Treasury is State House’s flower girl. For being ranked Africa’s least effective central bank governor in 2011, Prof Njuguna Ndung’u is nominated to head this docket so that he can fail with flying yellow colours.  

Ironically; no, disturbingly, he’s a professor. Oscar Sudi with only his birth certificate has done tremendously well with CDF for the people of Kapseret Constituency when you put into cognizant how Prof Jacob Kaimenyi tainted the Ministry of Education, and later Prof George Mahoga making countless about turns about CBC.

Aisha Jumwa

Azimio supporters are talking louder than Andrew Kibe saying Aisha Jumwa is not academically qualified to hold the Ministry of Public Service and Gender. But, when Hassan Joho – said to have obtained a powerful grade E in KCSE – was proposed as Cabinet Secretary for Lands, they said they were too busy with campaigns to talk.

If you’re beating war drums that Aisha is facing graft and murder charges and not fit to hold a public office, think of Ken Lusaka, the Bungoma governor, who bought a wheelbarrow at 109,000 in 2017, and then served as Speaker in the immediate Senate, and has been rewarded again with the Bungoma gubernatorial seat.

What of Kimilili M.P. Didmus Barasa accused of shooting dead opponent’s bodyguard dead, then went into hiding, and when he surrendered, demanded to know who killed the said bodyguard?

Moses Kuria

For always reminding us Raila Odinga can’t be president because the Luo Nation customarily don’t cut the foreskins of their boys, Moses Kuria has been awarded the Trade docket.

Kuria would be surprised how many Luos have embraced circumcision, and that it’s no longer foreskin politics that make it difficult to ascend to power, but, apart from clueless ODM, Kenyans love thugs, killers, looters, etc., for a president and Luo have been worshipping a wrong God that hasn’t blessed them with instruments of power.

We must also remember the public mockery Kuria painted on our faces when IEBC ICT director Chris Musando was found dead.

But why complain when Ruto was elected even after brandishing Luos as militia and with compounded anger, wondered why Uhuru was tolerating them despite uprooting the railway lines?

Mithika Linturi

Ruto must’ve forgotten to take paracetamol for colonial mentality hangover when he nominated Minthika Linturi to head the all-important agriculture ministry.

Anthropologists will have to dig deeper than six feet into the soil to find any Kenyan apart from the Gema and Kalenjins who headed this docket since the era of Vasco Da Gama.

When he was to table a vote of no confidence against then Devolution CS Ann Waiguru for walking with millions in a gunia before the discovery of the wheelbarrow, Linturi was enjoying an exquisite erotic treatment from Marianne Keitany, while the Senate was waiting. Ms Keitany was the Chief of Stuff in the Office of the Deputy President. I leave the rest for your imagination.

Linturi is also facing rape charges. He seems to forget his lodging room and enter the wrong ones, citing the effects of alcohol. However, he remembers to unzip his trousers and expose his one-eyed anaconda to penetrate the bushy gates of Jerusalem for ecstasy.

In sum, the National Assembly is supposed to vet and approve or reject the nominees. You don’t need a PhD in Guess Work to tell how that will go. Parliament is an extension of the executive. Expecting a lot from them is chasing winds. Most of the nominees are facing serious questions about Chapter 6, but so is almost everyone with the honourable title. It’s Ruto’s God-inspired Cabinet and if you are dissatisfied, re-arrange yours in the kitchen.

Nonetheless, it’ll be comic relief for many Kenyans imprisoned by economic hardships listening to Aisha Jumwa talking in English as if she’s filling sudoku. But, I can bet with my mosquito coils she’ll do better than Cyprian Awiti. 

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