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Cold Weather Is Here; Time To Make Babies

After our God-chosen Kenya Kwanza government prayed for the rains, the Heaven’s Ministry of Environment has finally answered by recalling the sun, and in its place cometh the cold-rainy weather.

Those in perpetual opposition since the end of British imperialism in 1963 castigating the government’s findings that “Rains don’t come from trees, but heaven,” should by reading this draft find something else to make noise about.

The Kenya Kwanza administration wants to remind the non-believers [that] there’s a living God, and though He may not answer prayers immediately, He will always respond.  A day shall come when the Lord shall kill those making life unbearable for the hoi polloi, in all fairness. Patience, be reminded, is a virtue.

Shame must be written on the faces of the doubting Okellos, Fatumas, and Kinyanjuis, specifically now that it’s raining cats, and when the dogs shall join in, feces shall smell of them.

Kenya Kwanza is blamed them for creating the Office of the Spouse of the Prime Cabinet Secretary, and if their distractors were using the never-ending Russia – Ukraine war that escalated the prize of maize flour to gain political bonga points, it gives me pleasure to remind them [that] their talking points are depleted because soon, the Speaker of the National Assembly may gift his wife an office to keep her busy.

Also, I take this race opportunity to thank her Excellency The First Lady Mama Rachel Ruto for establishing Faith Diplomacy Office at the White, sorry, State House. This Office is only a week old, but through intense prayers against homosexuality, among others, the rains are not only here, but the debate on LGBTQIA+ has diminished like the value of the shillings against the dollar. If the Office will keep its objectives, we hope Nicholas Biwott will resurrect to face justice for shooting Dr. Robert Ouko in the head as Daniel Moi laughed uncontrollably.

Biblical Orders

Because the rain is here to stay, and it comes with unbelievable cold, we must put our houses in order.The first business is to make more babies. I know scientists have been preoccupied with the thoughts of the end of humanity, and its civilization citing possible nuclear war, and the impacts of climate change.

The president of the Bulletin of Atomic Science Dr. Rachel Bronson says, “The lethal and fear-inspiring COVID-19 pandemic serves as a historic ‘wake-up call.”

Religious fundamentalists on the other hand have been prophesying the ‘end of times’ since the invention of Kamasutra. We’ve since gotten used to their threats.

We survived the Black Death, a pandemic that ravaged Europe between 1347 and 1351. We survived European, no, World Wars. Polio is a thing of the past. We survived Jomo Kenyatta, and Moi, among other worst experiences. We shall, as well, survive another atomic bomb.

For your information, the surest way of ensuring the continuity of humanity is simply by having more babies.

This is more biblical than anyone would think. Genesis 1:28 reads: “God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth’ ” And to justify the need for making babies during cold seasons, the book of Ecclesiastes 4:11 commands, “…if two lie down together, they will keep warm.”

These are direct orders from the Bible and since we are a professed Christian state, it won’t look like for them, those whose faiths can’t move even a hill, should they stand between God’s people and the scriptures.

Those questioning the ability of the have nots to take care of many children should read John 6:25-34 which says: “We can look at the birds in the air and the flowers in the field and observe God’s care over creation. Neither the bird nor the flowers work or have any need to be anxious because God is faithful to them. And then Jesus tells us to note how much more are people worth than birds and flowers!” And if this is too much English, Matthew 6:26 got your back, and it reads: “If God will take care of the birds, certainly He will take care of me too.”

Politics of Making Babies

A baby born this year is likely to participate in the presidential election in 2042 pitting Raila Odinga against Kipchuma Murkomen. This is probable, especially if the baby, a boy for this matter, won’t be killed by the bandits, or radicalized to join Al-Shabaab to die killing infidels so that he’d be blessed with 9 virgins in Valhalla.

We also pray if it’ll be a she, she won’t be swayed into having a romantic relationship with politicians so that she doesn’t become another Mercy Keino or Sharon Otieno.

The Luyhias need more numbers because – we see them all over places, yet they still can’t produce a president. Oh yes! our presidential politics at the ballot is morbidly tribal. And as for the numbers, they don’t lie, with or without Jose Camargo as a plumber at the electoral body’s server.

When will a Mijikenda, a Pokot, a Teso, and other ethnic communities whose numbers are as insignificant as the threats of Kalonzo Musyoka running for the president of Kenya, sleep in the State House?

The tyranny of numbers magics can’t be a reserve of the Kikuyus and the Kalenjins. With alcohol threatening the Kikuyu youth, and as our forefathers told us mkuki kwa nguruwe mtamu, kwa mwanadamu uchungu, others so referred as “small tribes” can take advantage of this and multiply into biblical proportions. By 2047, the Kikuyus, and the Kalenjins will be watching the presidency on Tiktok where Ali Hassan Joho spend more time than transforming Mombasa into a modern model city.

It Will Rain Again

The Kenya Kwanza distractors may opine the government should construct [more] dams to conserve water, and also to plant more trees to have a courtship with the rain, among other measures in mitigating drought, and famine, and derailing our conservative agriculture-based economy to industrialization.

The William Ruto-led administration issues an advisory statement that the idea of dams was Jubilee’s and right now, they are correcting Uhuru Kenyatta’s blunders such as not prosecuting Dr. Fred Matiang’i for teargassing the opposition in the events leading to the Handshake. 

And as for the Arror and Kinwarer saga, those were instigated to paint the then-hardworking Deputy President black. The case has since disappeared just like the police used to run when they saw Tupac.

As for planting trees and conserving the national forests, re-read the second paragraph. As a courtesy, be reminded there’s no day we’ve seen the rain coming from branches, and leaves of trees. Such a miracle can’t happen in our lifetime. Rains, once again, come from Heaven, and because this administration has an open relationship with the Heavens, they’ll be in constant talks to make it rain more.

For now, behold candidates of Heaven! make more babies and save your community from political, and economic marginalization. The future is bleak, and who will see tomorrow is yet to be born.

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